Growing up as a young Chinese man living in Australia, there is an expectation put upon me by my parents and relatives that I should seek love from someone who is also Chinese and can communicate in the same dialect as my parents, Shanghainese. First and foremost, Western countries like Australia, USA and UK are multicultural countries meaning numerous cultures and races reside in these democratic 3rd generation countries and my parents aren’t fully aware of that. I often rebut their unrealistic standards and criterion of my future wife because it is quite rare to find a Chinese girl who also lives in a family that speaks Shanghainese dialect to like like me. The thing that goes against me is that I cannot speak Shanghainese but I can understand it and will only respond in Chinese Mandarin or English. To be honest my Mandarin cannot compare to that of a Chinese-born person because my vocabulary is limited to general conversations. Any discussion regarding systematic, academic and conceptual matters that require to be translated from English into Chinese is too much for my brain to handle. Although my parents don’t quite support my way of thinking in terms of finding a suitable partner, I’m quite optimistic and open in my criterion. Growing up in a neighbourhood where Caucasians thrive, I find Caucasians slightly more attracting than Asians because not only they don’t mind showing their natural beauty in public, I can communicate with them far more easily than Asians. Race and culture isn’t considered important in my book but since my parents are so fussy and critical of every choice I make, it would be best if there is a girl who is a hybrid of both backgrounds (Asian & Caucasian). It’s like applying the Porque-No-Los-Dos Principle when both parties have contrasting preferences and the solution would be finding a person that satisfies both preferences. I have a feeling nobody else has this sort of mindset because I know most people will have a fixed preference of their dream partner depending on the environment they grew up in and the entertainment they have watched online or on the big screen. This made me wonder how do humans identify what is beautiful to them? Does it have something to do with the size, arrangement and juxtaposition of the basic features of the human face like the nose, 2 eyes, mouth, ears and superior hair? Does it have to do with the fear of becoming a statistic of domestic violence between same-race couples? Or is it because the cultural background is contrasting to that they grew up in? Is it because they exhibit characteristics and traits they long for in a woman?
They say “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” but what does it mean scientifically? So far psychologists and neuroscientists have discovered that when we view something that is strikingly beautiful to us whether in music or art, our brain’s medial orbital frontal cortex, part of the reward and pleasure centre, becomes stimulated. Depending on the country and culture you grew up with, people in Asian countries prefer asymmetrical faces whilst those in Western countries prefer symmetrical faces. Overall, humans of all ages, races and cultures including babies will find symmetrical faces more attractive. So how does symmetry lead to attraction? There are theories that symmetrical features indicate clearer genetic markers for fitter offspring and men with stronger immune systems along with high testosterone levels were considered more attractive according to the women. But all these hormonal indicators are found within the human body which are not visual cues. So how do different women instinctively perceive a man's biochemical and genetic profiles based on their man's personality and appearance of their bodies? So far these questions are still yet to be answered and I’d love to investigate these anomalies in another post.
It is evident that multi-cultural couples are indeed part of the future of dating as part of the evolution of natural selection amongst the human population. Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg and his fiancé Priscilla Chan already have a child named Maxima, and Mark has learnt to speak Chinese Mandarin somewhat fluently in a 2015 Chinese New Year tribute video. Former Chinese ballet dancer and author of an award-winning autobiography "Mao’s Last Dancer”, Li Cunxin and his Australian-born wife, Mary McKendry already have 3 children named Sophie, Thomas and Bridie (in that order of birth) and their family photo is on the back cover of the book. Nowadays I have observed more and more children becoming a hybrid of both contrasting backgrounds and this begins to worry me in some ways. Although these children are just as adorable and beautiful as all other children, I am deeply concerned that certain Asian languages like Chinese, Vietnamese, Thai, Korean and their respective colloquial languages may not be taught to these children in any extent. The thought of my children adopting an English language that is already evolving with slang and curse words is rather frightening to contemplate. People may not realise this but the language taught by their ancestors who spoke it since they were children may inevitably become extinct like the Bo language on 26 January 2010 when Boa Sr passed away as the last known speaker of the Aka-Bo language.
I don’t mind marrying a non-Asian girl but the big questions are: Would my parents and relatives accept her into the family? Would they see her as an intrusion that jeopardises the family tree’s Chinese background? Aren’t they prepared to let natural selection do its bidding rather than continue to manipulate the possibilities of the background of my future offspring? I feel like I’m raised by conservative parents and relatives whose main goal is to maintain the family name and reputation with no impediment from neighbouring and contrasting cultures and dialects whatsoever. They’re treating this question like either I find someone they approve of or they’ll arrange a forced marriage for me with someone they prefer which I may not be satisfied of. They threaten to kick me out of the house if I had feelings for a non-Chinese-Shanghainese girl and the thought of being abandoned by the ones who gave birth to me and nurtured me is unbearable and indignant. That is the social dilemma I’m going through at the moment and I don’t want to risk losing a stable friendship for a loveless marriage.
For years I have wondered how a romantic relationship usually starts? Does it start with a kiss at a party, several years of friendship, a pickup line, being coincidentally put on the same team, or something else? To be honest experts don’t really know for sure because there is no single cause. It comes down to chance of both the male and female counterparts having the chemistry, the love interest, the spark and commitment to a relationship which is often random. Films, youtube videos and television aren’t a reliable source because they don’t accurately reenact the conversations and everyday scenarios of dating. They actually screen our expectations in romantic relationships which is always eye-catching but highly scrutinising for viewers. The chances of romantic scenes we watch in the studio or on social media appearing in real-life relationships are quite slim, however, there are still some people who are gullible enough to be convinced by these make-believe scenes like Korean pop dramas. The matter of fact is, anything is possible in human society. What is really frustrating is that even if you ask your closest friend, they are quite reluctant to accurately depict the circumstances that led to the beginning of their relationship. Some may reveal where they have met their partner for the first time but there is almost no recollection on the conversation during that interaction. I then ask myself "what is going on here?" Why are people resistant to sharing the important details that may unravel the mysteries of love amongst humans and the animal kingdom? Even if they were trying to be honest with you, their memory on what made them fall in love with their partner in the first place is still fuzzy.
5:00pm. Around that time, every city’s CBD becomes swarmed with romantic couples coming out of their apartments, alighting from public transport and walking along the footpath whilst holding each other’s hands. Like most of you, I expect them to be excited, happy and chatting with exuberance which is the case surprisingly for a small proportion of couples I walk past. Nonetheless I don’t see many smiles, laughs nor playing around from either the male or the female counterparts. They are just casually strolling around looking for a place to eat, drink or kiss that excites their taste buds. I thought every couple plans their way to a date on a specific time at a specific location but turns out this is not often the case. I often overhear conversations that involve the guy asking his beloved “Hey do you wanna hang in the city and we’ll get food then?” The girl’s response varies from “OK”, “Yes, let’s go”, “Sorry busy” or “Can’t we go to another place?”. These type of interactions can often lead to fierce personal arguments and I’m sitting hand in head expressing sarcastic but honest thoughts like, “You dug yourself a huge hole my friend. I don’t know what can be done to rescue your relationship currently sinking into quick sand." I can sympathise with those who are consistently indecisive or allowing their partner to make the decisions but with the Internet, finding suitable places to hang out is now readily available for you to search. There’s apps where food bloggers and glutinous wealthy people post pictures of their meals on social media like Instagram and you will notice the restaurants they ate at by the tags above the photos. I also researched this simple but somewhat complex question: What are the elements of a successful relationship? Most people would think it’s all about daily flirtation, dirty jokes and pickup lines, date lunches and dinners, sex and obsessive cuddling at every opportunity. But I’m sorry to say that these expectations are just part of the real deal. According to this report:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/201001/ten-elements-effective-relationships
Accompanied with sex, dates and naughty humour, relationships are also built upon transparency, clear communication, conflict, honesty (even if it risks jeopardising the relationship), sacred space, mutual respect and understanding, empathy, sharing responsibility and getting accustomed to each other’s habits and superstitions. Other optional additions like vast general knowledge, useful connections, financial and social awareness can also compliment effectively with the other elements I’ve listed strengthening the relationship bond even further but they should be used when appropriate. It’s evident the concepts of human relationships are quite complex that most people would claim to not have adequate brain capacity to understand all the psychology and neuroscience jargon and would rather let fate randomly choose a man or woman for them. If finding a mate is one of the main goals of human survival, then why aren’t all of us are fully aware of all the elements that form the constructs of a long-term relationship?
Do you ever notice a couple's technique of holding hands compared to countless other couples? The obvious exception, of course, to this discussion is family members holding hands with their children. I notice all couples don’t hold hands the same way. They vary from:
a. Tightly interlocked fingers
b. Down-facing palm
c. My Lady grip
d. One-finger hand hold
e. Relaxed lace where only the finger webbings make contact
f. Finger grab
https://www.littlethings.com/different-ways-to-hold-hands/
This article above discusses about a theory regarding the way we hold hands with other partner can subconsciously display the type of relationship we and our partner experience. Even though it’s a visual cue and we formulate social theories based on this body language, we still have to account for other possible theories that don’t involve romantic relationships, for instance, the girl might have cold hands and she needs a guy’s warm hands for warmth or the guy and girl are currently in a platonic, close friendship with no intimate thoughts or they are siblings and one of them is more clingy over the other.
More often than not, I would notice someone I met before in school but then I see them accompanied by someone I personally haven’t met before. Should I say hi to them and introduce myself to his/her partner? Or should I pretend I was distracted I haven’t seen them? No doubt I was instinctively feeling awkward. It’s no surprise all of us have been in this situation at least once in our lifetime. Third-wheeling, Fifth-wheeling, Seventh-wheeling you name it. The pattern goes on infinitely depending how realistic the situation is. For those who don’t know it’s when a person who doesn’t have a romantic partner by their side hangs around with two friends who are romantically in love with one another. These moments are captured in photos and videos and you can almost feel sorry for the single person who is on the verge of vomiting once those puckered lips make contact. At first glance, it is one of the most gruelling and awkward encounters especially if the couple you’re adjacent to are known to you personally. Normally the boyfriends would demonstrate their protective, aggressive and territorial nature to their partners, however I seemed to have found a way to prevent them illicit this sort of natural behavioural response. I can’t recall how I learnt it, but based on my vast third-wheeling experience, it’s important for you to compliment the strong bond between the couple. Furthermore it is useful to learn topics that relate to the integrity of romantic relationships and the crucial aspects that form the basis and foundation of a romantic relationship. For instance, topics include sex, love chemistry, personality, romantic references from famous movies and cartoons like and satirical comedy quirkily mocking the actions of both male and female counterparts of the relationship. Initially, it is difficult to execute at the first go because those feelings of butterflies in your stomach and a racing heart telling you to leave them in private are unbearable to resist even with willpower. However, with practice and learning from the mistakes you make along the way, third wheeling eventually becomes a normality and there is no need to exert awkwardness around couples. If you can somehow bring up topics that will amuse both the man and woman, you might gain some crucial insider information about the secrets to starting a long-term relationship. But then again, all of that is easier said than done.
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