Around 350 million people experience depression right now. I'm one of them. Depending on the symptoms they can range from Mild, Moderate to Severe. In my situation, I'm experiencing mild to moderate depression. So far there is no cure for depression. Only rehabilitation and antidepressants are the only viable options for those diagnosed and they don't come cheap nor are they perfect. Most of my thoughts are often negative and self-evaluative. It's one of those topics that no one wants to bring up in any conversation; casual, professional, argumentative, or political. It's one of those sensitive topics alongside mental illness, religion, terrorism, extremism, and politics that no one wants to talk about. If depression affects humans so badly, why do people choose to ignore the issue and not acknowledge its effects it has on human society. Like cancer, Depression is an incurable disease but of a person's unconsciousness.
Whenever I vent my thoughts to people who don't mind hearing me out like psychologists and those who have a kind heart to respect me, the response I was always receive involves awe, shock, sympathetic and often simplistic responses. Those who have tried to offer solutions in an attempt to help me drag me out of this hole I;m stuck in haven't helped either. I feel they have never heard of nor experienced a social situation quite like mine compared to the environmental and social circumstances they're been through. I don't blame them for that. Each and everyone's experiences comes randomly. We don't choose what fate we want to experience, the script is already written for each and everyone of us. None of us knows how our role will be panned out on stage before it's already too late. I'll discuss into randomness, probability, chance and fate in another post.
My depression may stem from many social factors:
1) Living under the high expectations, higher than the Burj Al Khalifa building in Dubai, set upon by ambitious Chinese parents, the pressures of trying to realising my parents' dreams puts a huge strain on my mental state. My not-so-outstanding grades illustrates the faults of my parents' expectations. I feel it's unreachable for me. I feel self-doubt and extreme anxiety. I feel conflicted. Should I hide my honest true feelings about my goals or should I reveal it all given a billion to 1 chance of my parents accepting my decisions without any abusive backlash whatsoever. Having seen my parents verbally abuse on previous occasions whenever I performed below expectations in many test or exam regardless of the subject, I fear and worry of experiencing it again. I fear of going through another cycle of disappointment, closure, sadness and isolation. I think my parents are stuck in this 20th century societal mentality that prestigious education leads to a stable high-paying job, which leads to a successful relationship and a fulfilling career, which leads to a happy marriage, ultimately leading to a complete life. I feel this is their mental model of their expectations:
Melbourne High School --> University of Melbourne Biomedicine --> Doctor of Medicine (MD) @ UniMelb --> Doctor Gene Zou --> Chinese-Shanghainese girlfriend and then wife --> Family living in a 2 storey house in a rich suburb like South Yarra, St Kilda, Elwood, Toorak, Armadale and Malvern.
2) I live in the quiet suburbs of Pascoe Vale South in Melbourne's North North West. A majority of my friends situate many a mile from me. I feel this may be critical factor in why I'm always left out or forgotten whenever a friend's birthday is approaching. I don't feel my personality is the main issue because I respect everyone around me and I have a unique sense of humour with quirky gags and stomach-churning one-liners and a strong sense of curiosity.
3) Everyone around me have contrasting interests, views opinions, general knowledge and goals compared to mine. Everyone talks about food, fashion, employment, education, car-pooling, drunken parties, and attending events only with their family, their significant other, best friends or circle of friends. They even take photos of everything to encapsulate their livelihood and then selectively choose the best photos for their audience to see on social media like Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat.
I, on the other hand, talk about the reasons behind these social trends. In my spare time, I research the Philosophy, Sociology, Psychology, and the relevant Sciences behind these popular trends and habits in real life and on social media. I also research scientific issues, paradoxical concepts, and optimistic postulates about the universe you and I reside in today. Everyone else gets asked about their experiences throughout their childhood, high school and university / college. But no one asks me those questions at all and I feel worthless that no one outside my family home wants to hear my story. I can't remember the last time someone asked me out for a catch-up. I've been invited to 1 or 2 birthday parties occasionally but those are one-off situations. I'm more worried whether these new people will still remember me and would be willing to build upon that friendship when I next meet them. I'm sick and tired of accidentally bumping into them and chat for about 2 mins or less. They are either accompanied by their circle of friends on their way to a restaurant or a party or a friends gathering at an agreed meeting spot, or on their way to an important event like a meeting or a romantic date.
I admit I have a few superstitions that most of you find weird, revolting and sometimes delusional, unattractive and unlovable. In the past I have experienced rejection for friendly catchups more often than romantic dates. Nowadays it's much harder to organise a platonic date out of the blue because of how close we are to one another in society. Whenever someone postpones, cancels or replies with "Sorry, busy, No I can't make it" at any time especially at the last minute, not only will I get frustrated but I will get this sensation of silver bullets piercing my chest. I'm extremely sensitive to the word "no" and I take offence to it. Given with what I've experienced, I have generated this logical pattern that virtually 99% of those I ask out platonically will not commit to my invite. I feel I wasted so much time, effort and energy into organising and preparing myself for this dates. It's like my presence is insignificant, unimportant and a ugly sight better unseen. I wish they would hear me out and understand that I long for face-to-face conversation. If only there was someone out there to say "Yes", like the judges on Britain's Got Talent especially if Simon Cowell says "yes". Not only would I be absolutely thrilled but I would feel loved that I would think positively of you. I would want to reward you for restoring the love and self-confidence and cleansing the toxins clogging my system with me. Text messages won't cut it however. I want to hear your voice besides my family projecting directly into my ears. I want to see your facial expressions so I can subconsciously process your feelings and reactions to my verbose. Phone calls won't cut it either because your voice through the receiver sound to me quite muffled and quite different to your actual voice. And that lack of facial recognition doesn't stimulate my visual and emotional senses of my brain. I long for consistent face-to-face interaction but some people see this as attention-seeking rather than seeking a cure for loneliness. I feel I require at least 30 mins face-to-face conversation to satisfy my brain's appetite for knowledge and human interaction. That to me is the most rewarding experience to me. Just enough to stimulate my Dopaminergic neurons in my Substantia Nigra.
- VTA = Ventral Tegmental Area
- Both Dopamine and Serotonin (5-HT, 5-Hydroxytryptamine) are neurotransmitters
- Amygdala is part of the Ventral Striatum, that is responsible for integrating emotional responses, behaviours and motivation as well as emotionally charged emotions, emotional learning and responding to fear-evoking stimuli.
- Hippocampus is part of the Limbic System that plays a role in memory function, spatial memory and long-term memory.
https://www.sovhealth.com/cognition/brain-awareness-week-addiction-brains-reward-system/
Recently I've been googling psychology pages and psychology tests to self-diagnose myself whether I have contracted a psychiatric disorder, which are often misunderstood by the general public and researchers alike. The results show that I exhibit much of the symptoms of Mild Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety. It all makes sense to me. I've been hiding these behaviours for many years and I can reveal I will likely experience social anxiety in the follow scenarios:
-- Talking on the phone whose voice I'm not accustomed to even if it's those I personally know.
-- Attending social events whom I know no one around me and everyone is always moving around from room to room selectively chatting to their best friends
-- Hosting my own social events worrying that many or if any will actually attend
-- Choosing a suitable partner to date because I have this fear of experiencing heartbreak like most of us have already experienced. Breaking up with someone already destroys one opportunity to personally know someone, which feels like getting a criminal record on your crime sheet. I worry of being judged insecure, irrational and being a worrier during the relationship because I have seen many breakups turn to violence and possibly murder.
-- Talking in a group who have different interests, hobbies, general knowledge and opinions to mine.I will often have this fear of expressing my own opinion against the majority. I will also fear talking about myself in front of others whom I feel self-conscious about whether they'll judge me negatively for being "different".
I may also display partial avoidance behaviours:
-- Distracting myself by daydreaming and thinking about being on stage sharing my views, ideas and opinions that no one has heard of before like in a Tedx Talk.
-- Avoiding eye-to-eye contact. To me that scares me.
-- Staying in an awkward social situation for a period of time
When I'm really anxious, I try to avoid displaying the following unavoidable traits before I fear you will judge me as peculiar, unorthodox, crazy and out-of-touch:
-- Blushing when you give me a compliment even it's slightly romantic
-- Sweating when I don't know how to respond to a slang term or statement I never heard of before.
-- Stomach Discomfort if you don't respond to my messages within 24 hours or within a few minutes when my phone tells me you are currently active on social media and don't notice my messages at all. This is followed by a racing heart, tightening of the chest wall, and an occasional lump in my throat when I anticipate 99% of the time I invite certain people for a social gathering will say "No, Sorry, Busy, Can't make it".
I don't know how long I could endure this pain any longer. I can't tolerate those words whenever I politely ask someone out even on a friendly, platonic catchup. I don't think I've broken any moral rules but I feel I'm just not interesting enough. Am I? Whenever I get anxious I will always tell myself
- "I'm a misfit"
- "No one considers inviting me consistently to any social event whether casual or noisy"
- "I'm too curious"
- "I'm not dumb enough"
- "I'm not gullible"
- "I don't choose sides or have biased opinions about anything"
- "If I remove myself from the world, none of my friends would notice, not even the news would report my death"
- "I'm not silly enough"
- "I know too much"
- "I have the wrong mentality".
I'm worried that I would enter a mode where I would become psychopathic and lash out at anyone who doesn't accept my call or satisfy my needs for non-familial company. I'm worried I would verbally abuse a friend that I don't intend to and haven't been for years. I'm worried I would kill myself in the process without even planning to do so. I'm worried I would lose my sanity. I'm worried I would become insane. Right now you will start to fear and avoid me and I don't blame you for that. But everything I have confessed to you before and above this paragraph is the thought process that goes on inside a socially anxious and mildly depressed person's mind.
My friends consider training at the gym, shopping for popular brand names and designs (handbags, wallets, purses, watches, shirts, dresses, various heels, sneakers, sandals, birkenstocks, crop tops, bras, makeup, perfume, teeth whiteners, swimwear, hair colour, coloured lenses), brunching, picking on your crushes, food blogging, Tinder conversations, clubbing and drinking at the pub all fun. But I don't.
My friends plan their next steps through the societal system any their next holidays to popular destinations around Earth. However, I lay here bed-ridden with my trusty computer searching up general knowledge in the quizzing circuit, scientific facts and concepts and philosophical ideas and writing down deep, personal essays to satisfy my curiosity living inside my dense brain of mine. I wish I could travel to places of my personal preference without the thought of expenses not just on Earth but to other planets in our Solar System and maybe interstellarly to other stars, Earth-like planets and galaxies like Andromeda, or (if possible) the edge of the our universe.
Back at home, my friends drive to places like hot springs, waterfalls, rain forests, beaches, peninsulas and valleys, I, on the other hand, am not a fan of driving especially when I'm alone. I feel like a waste of road space, wasting fuel and time not searching and typing personal essays like this one. I'd rather ride on trains, trams or buses to places no one not even my family has ever heard of like Korumburra, Wonthaggi, Orbost, Glenelg, Lake Eyre etc.
My friends travel to popular places just for the sake of travelling to be honest. They say they want to find themselves, wind down from stressful loads, and understand who they are as a human being. So I only travel when my parents travel like China and Taiwan, nowhere else. I want to change that and travel to places that have historical significance, and a meaningful purpose that proved to have a major influence on how we live like today. Whenever I brought up the idea of travelling overseas or interstate alone, my parents would immediately lash out at the idea and reject my proposal. I would feel deeply offended by their reaction because this is a lifetime opportunity for me to understand the responsibility and challenges of foreign solo adventure. They moan about "losing my passport, getting killed by terrorists, getting kidnapped or robbed by anonymous criminals" etc. I understand passports and safety are of the utmost importance but forcing this overprotective scheme on me just destroys the purpose of "holiday". My personal preferences include Norway, Switzerland, New Zealand, Japan, Canada, Costa Rica, Dominican Republic, Sweden, Romania, Holland (The Netherlands), Poland, Vietnam and Czech Republic. Because my parents don't know anyone currently living in those countries this could explain why they lashed out at me. It's possible they are using their friends or relatives as checkpoints just to check me out where I am 24/7 where is virtually impossible and, of course, I'm their one and only son and losing me would be a tragic loss no doubt. I wonder if my parents experienced a situation whether they or one of their friends or someone anonymous couldn't leave a foreign country because they lost their passport? Don't they realise that as Australian citizens we're protected by the Australian Embassy and the Australian Foreign Minister has the powers to prevent foreign immigration from trapping us in a foreign airport for eternity?
My vision of a perfect holiday is all fun and games, exploring scenes that I've never seen with my own eyes, interacting with locals about their language and culture and learning key pieces of information crucial to solving my deep questions. My parents, on the other hand, treat holidays as a Chinese spy war mission. This involves minimising human interaction with strangers besides relatives, forcing a time curfew to return to the hotel in the event of lingering criminals, restricting access to places outside of their mental boundaries and extremely rounded-up time limits thanks to their inaccurate time predictions and finally returning home in one piece with everything they need for their business. That's not fun at all. It's almost like a trading trip. In fact, besides their wedding I've never seen my parents go on a romantic honeymoon and teach me the gimmicks of romance in different stages of a relationship and long-term marriage. I'm their one and only son. It's understandable losing a child after going through menopause is simply unbearable. But why won't they share their experiences about love and sex to me? Don't they realise they and I are human too? Why are they acting like robots trapped in a programmed state of mind like a sanded piece of rail track? They claim it's a huge distraction from my study and work ethic but I like to disagree on that. Nonetheless I really don't know the answer to that and neither do them, which is a pity.
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