The Friend Zone Part 1

Karl Stefanovic discussing lust VS love with Lisa Wilkinson and Georgie Gardner on the Today Show
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9HvjBo3yq0

After watching a discussion on the Today Show’s The Grill, Georgie Gardner mentioned that when a male human feels aroused seeing a girl that is beautiful and glamorous to him, it is in fact the feeling of lust not love. Most guys understandably can’t tell the difference between lust and love because the naughty fantasies of sexual interactions with the girl of our dreams is more satisfying and overwhelming than actually considering them as a possible wife. It’s like comparing a one-night stand with a 50 year relationship and marriage. When you are feeling in the mood, your brain releases a neurotransmitter called Dopamine, which initiates that feeling of euphoria. Because this biochemical exhibits similar effects to manmade love drugs, it can become an addiction which makes us repetitively perform actions that release this neurotransmitter at higher concentrations. Dopaminergic subcortical sections of our brain become over-stimulated similar to what a cocaine addict experiences mentally. Another hormone called Oxytocin, known as the “love hormone”, gives us that warm, fuzzy feeling whereas Vasopressin causes that aggressive and territorial behaviour. On the other hand, Serotonin levels in our brain decrease dramatically, which is critical to mood regulation. Therefore there is a tendency to have positive and exhilarating emotions towards our counterpart more strongly. Experts refer to this as “crazy love” and this is where all the poetic devices, exaggerated descriptions and compliments, and pickup lines come out of an aroused man’s mouth. Hence our Norephinephrine levels increase which stimulates that arousing sensation throughout our body especially our brains, taste, smell, touch (around your genitals). When we become overly obsessed with someone’s appearance and seeking validation for our compliments and requests for close-up action, most girls would become gradually annoyed and contemplate finding a different partner rather than satisfy their partner’s and their own physiological needs. This explains why the pain of a breakup is unbearable and unrelenting and our bodies go through a withdrawal phase from our ex-partner which closes us from society temporarily cutting communication with our friends and family. This suggests that love is not only satisfying to your body but it can be scary, dangerous and addicting. The reason why love is addicting hence the number of relationships both men and women experience since beginning their high school adventure is still controversial.

During my youth, I was an ordinary geek who was overweight, enjoyed playing Pokemon and strived for good grades. My parents reinforced academic work over social skills which explains why I felt awkward and uncomfortable in social events. Before my belated 21st birthday party in November 2016, the last party I attended was a female friend’s 10th birthday at a 10 pin bowling arena. I think the birthday girl was Chantelle. You can imagine how lonely and abandoned I was as my friends partied night in night out over the following decade. During my first years of secondary education, I didn’t have the intention of attracting young girls and I was one of the few students who cared about success in education. If my peers dared me to hit on a girl, I would feel shy and awkward with the fear of failing or worse, ruining an opportunity to befriend someone new. Because I was never taught what love is or feels like, I didn’t want to risk myself plunging into the lake of embarrassment drowning myself in indignity and regret as a person, if the outcome didn’t meet my expectations. I remember I shared a few illustrations to some of them, not of the girls I had a crush on which most guys do, but of the creatures that depicts their beauty and elegance like a butterfly in a blooming garden patch of sunflowers. I asked myself what are the safest options to show love and respect for the girls around me? It would take me a number of years to answer such a simple but deceptively complicated question. Unlike most guys, they would let their emotions get the better of them and on most occasions they would be left high and dry with their worst first impressions possible. I didn’t want to be one of those guys who would be known for the wrong reasons in the dating zone making a few enemies and unfriendly faces along the way. Once you leave a bad first impression, the girl you’re trying to a date with will alert her and her girlfriends of your antics and your chances of getting a date, let alone a friendly hello and a bear hug, from that group of girls will be close to zero.

I remember writing a Facebook status about advice escaping the friend zone which my friends still bring up time and time again. I never got a chance to explain my thoughts behind my status because it was more complicated than everyone else thought. If I was an organism besides a human, choosing a mate would be simple because a few mating calls across a pack and at least one or two potential partners will respond by volunteering to my breeding counterpart. However, as a human being that is not the case. The modern society that you and I live in today complicates things on an epic scale from money, economics, unproven studies about sex and relationships, dating tips from those with limited experience and the language we use to communicate i.e. English. I notice most guys would hunt for girls who have the most connections, the most amount of publicity, apply a considerable amount of makeup and employed in a profitable job. These girls, mostly Asian, can be Instagram famous such as Nancy Chen, Claire Bi (funkynutmeg), Rachel Kee (rachelalala), Gina Darling, Mimi Choi (aeomxox), Chailee Son, Rachel Jordan (skylightcasimir), Jasmine Chan, Nicole Li (nikallae), Lily May Mac, Jenny Lee, Jenn Im, Maggie DeeJay etc. However most thirsty guys don’t take any notice about the girl's friends within their circle which suggests those girls are shy, don’t enjoy the publicity, and prefer to limit their personal connections in society. If you look at the big picture, would you compete against rival male players to get a date with 1 or 2 overrated and highly publicised females? Or would you consider showing your first impressions to the girl’s friends (at least 3 of them depending on the size of the circle of friends she’s part of)? The numbers speak for itself. I'd rather let her friends know my presence and allow my first impressions store in their memory. I assume the friendship bond between the most attractive girl and her friends are quite strong that it's only a matter of time before the girl every guy wants hears about you. Although these girls’ appearance, personality and attitude may not match the criterion of your dream girl, you have a better chance of getting at least a coffee lunch date with them and gain crucial experience socialising and interacting with people young and old of the opposite gender. Love is unpredictable, because on most occasions the girl you didn’t consider wife material in the first place may turn out to be the most responsible, most intelligent and most loveable woman in your lifetime. It’s important to understand that the realities of a long-term romantic relationship are different to our expectations we see in films, movies and youtube videos. Don’t be dismayed if these girls aren’t prepared to progress to the relationship zone, your actions will catch the eyes of a few mutual girls watching from the sidelines who might find your commitment, bravery and effort attractive. Remember the world is just as big as the Pacific Ocean, Earth’s biggest pool of water. They are plenty of fish out there to be hook on, as long as you lay out your most reliable and appetising bait. There is no hurry finding love, patience is key.

Because this is one of my favourite topics, there is so much to discuss that I can't fit it into one humungous post. There will be more commentary ahead on a topic that never fails to catch the interest of every human on Earth.